‘Oh, uh oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, uh oh, you know who you are’
The intensive five week training course – a prerequisite for my new job – ended last Friday.
The course was a combination of school centred learning (where I had to plan and teach lessons), university lectures (as well as working full-time, I’m studying for a PGD in Education and Leadership), and training sessions (over 80). Throughout, I had to gather evidence of my learning, write journal reflections and complete several online modules.
So much work. More than when I studied for my doctorate, whilst working as a lecturer. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
At the final review meeting, my manager said, ‘I can formally confirm you’ve passed, not that it was ever in any doubt, we think you are exceptional and are sure you’re going to be brilliant.’
A standout participant – the thing I’m doing is a competitive graduate training scheme, to apply you have to high calibre (300 UCAS points and at least a 2:1 from a Russell Group University) – amongst a cohort of outstanding people. Wtf?
I just don’t see it.
Not at all.
I am just me.
Nothing remarkable or extraordinary.
A hangover from my pre-bomb life?
Nothing I did or achieved was enough to impress ex.
First class degree… you had more time than me, I could have got that too if I had all the time you had (I studied full time, worked 20 hours per week, and my kids were 2 and 8 when I started, so I didn’t really have ‘time’).
Distinction at Master’s… well, it’s not a hard topic is it, not like the one I studied.
PhD passed without corrections… you’ll never do anything with it. You’ve wasted years doing this. It’s a ‘vanity’ qualification (doing it just for the title).
None of counted.
I didn’t count.
Having value and importance.
Now, ex’s opinion doesn’t count. They have don’t have value. They aren’t important. I consider them worthless.
Now, free from the confines of ex’s opinions, I realise I do count. And I beginning to see that maybe I am more remarkable than I gave myself credit for.
This journey continues to teach me so many vital lessons.
My heart has changed.
I am finding out who I am – really, me as an individual not ex’s wife or us.
I am finding me.