Kindness

Kindness. I have blogged about that a few times before.

Kindness. My greatest strength. My greatest weakness.

Even now, 20 months post bomb.

Even now, with the divorce dragging on.

Even now, after all the awful things that have been said.

Even now, after having not seen our children for nearly two months.

Even now, I respond with kindness.

I can’t help myself.

I don’t know any other way of being.

Responding with kindness is causing me so much sorrow.

I know sorrow – the other side – deeply.

I keep hoping, praying, that one day the sorrow will end. That I will receive some kindness.

That life will get easier.

That my run of shitty luck will stop.

That my kindness. That my resolve to remain optimistic and positive in the face of the horror that is now my life. Will be rewarded.

But it is never-ending.

New problems keep surfacing.

The pile of shit keeps building and I am sinking further into it.

Nothing is going right.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.

This is not what life was supposed to be like. I didn’t want any of this. This isn’t what I signed up for.

I don’t know how much longer I can ‘keep going’, pretending life is sunshine and lollipops when in reality most days are just plain brutal, some are bearable, only a few are good.

I want to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. Go to bed and not surface again until the sorrow ends.

I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I have had enough. Reached full capacity months ago. Don’t have room

to cope with more shit.

But I know I can’t give up. My babies need me. I’m all they have.

Hoping I feel a bit of kindness today. I desperately need some.

5 thoughts on “Kindness

  1. Always get a bit excited to see you back SS. Sorry to hear it continues. You’re the better person, that’s why ‘kindness’ is your go-to. Don’t let him take that along with everything else he’s destroyed. Lovely to see you. We should meet for a week in Bangkok soon to toast strength and survival!!!! xxx

    • Thank you so much darling. It’s brutal and it’s taking on all my resolve not to break/give in.
      Hope you and yours are doing good.
      Bangkok would be aces! Or Bali. 😘 xxxx

  2. I wish I knew you in real life! I rarely log on anymore but when I do I come straight to find you. I am so sorry to hear you are/were feeling like this. It’s funny as we seem so similar. I am suffering with the EXACT same thing lately. My Kindness reigns supreme but feels like it will be the death of me. Its a blessing and a curse.

    Here’s hoping things pick up soon x

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