I can’t sleep.
I’m sat in the dark.
The doctor prescribed beta blockers to help ease the panic attacks… I am scared to try them.
I have sleeping pills too… I am scared to try them.
I do not want to have rely on medication to get me through the day (and night, it’s always those I find hardest).
Verve’s song… The Drugs Don’t Work… just popped into my head.
Maybe they will?
Maybe they will give me temporary realise?
But they will only mask the problem.
They can’t solve what’s going on.
They can’t turn back the clock and stop this from happening.
I have to see Ex on Thursday.
A session with a mediator. To try restore his relationship with our children. It’s nearly three months now since he last saw them or spoke to them.
I don’t want to have to see his face again.
I don’t want to have to talk to him.
I am feeling weak and vulnerable.
Even with a mediator present, he’s going to brutalise me.
I need to find the strength to face him. Stand up to him. But I don’t know where to find it.
God. I am so tired.