4 AM

I can’t sleep.

I’m sat in the dark.

Drinking tea.

Mind racing.

Heart racing.

Writing.

The doctor prescribed beta blockers to help ease the panic attacks… I am scared to try them.

I have sleeping pills too… I am scared to try them.

I do not want to have rely on medication to get me through the day (and night, it’s always those I find hardest).

Verve’s song… The Drugs Don’t Work… just popped into my head.

Maybe they will?

Maybe they will give me temporary realise?

But they will only mask the problem.

They can’t solve what’s going on.

They can’t turn back the clock and stop this from happening.

I have to see Ex on Thursday.

A session with a mediator. To try restore his relationship with our children. It’s nearly three months now since he last saw them or spoke to them.

I don’t want to have to see his face again.

I don’t want to have to talk to him.

I am feeling weak and vulnerable.

Even with a mediator present, he’s going to brutalise me.

I need to find the strength to face him. Stand up to him. But I don’t know where to find it.

God. I am so tired.

9 thoughts on “4 AM

  1. Barbara D Kilarski--I blogged at wordpress.com/myexleftmeforhermother and will again soon says:

    Hey, don’t think that way!! He may be brutal, but you must be confident and strong, you will be rid of him soon, and that will be his loss (tho he doesn’t know it now, and perhaps never will, the dolt!). Just think of it as business, which is never really pleasant…and as my fav rocker, Tom Petty–RIP–sang, “Dont back down, just stand your ground…[he] can take you down to the gates of hell, but baby, don’t back down!!” And god, I have panic attacks, take a pill before the proceeding, it will keep you somewhat grounded. Good luck.

  2. It was great to read your reply Barbara D Kilarsky! It made me feel courageous again, thanks Barbara!

    SS, yes you are bone tired and scared, shout it out girl. Honour your feelings and then get up again and keep on keeping on. You can do it.

    Use the beta blockers, they will help you now at this stage. If you see them as just for now maybe you won’t be so scared of them. Have you got anything tor anxiety? That would help you now too. Use all the resources available! Medicine, talking here, TALKING To people in your life, and especially honouring your feelings. Sending love across the oceans xxx

  3. It sounds like you’re really struggling. Insomnia can be so horrible, I know that feeling of a heart racing and racing and then the breathing getting panicked. Eugh!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s