Crunch?

I have tried to write this post a few times over the past few weeks. But I have struggled to organise my thoughts. Struggled to find the words.

It’s been a struggle.

I’m still struggling.

My ability to bounce back has yet to make a reappearance.

The more weeks pass by, the more worried I become. The anxiety increases.

I’m trapped in a vicious circle.

Trapped.

I’ve been trapped for all my adult life.

Trapped in a marriage that I made my normal. Yet, in reality was abusive, harmful and restricted my ability to flourish as an autonomous human being with authentic agency.

This, here, is the problem.

For all of my adulthood I defined myself by my role as wife. I wore the mask. I did it exceptionally well. Too well. I became the mask.

Even post-bomb, I have continued to define myself by this role, although now rather than wife I’m broken-heart dumpee.

But it has to end.

Like really end.

We’ve finally exchanged offers.

I’ve sacrificed future financial stability: decided not to pursue spousal maintenance. A decision that’s causing me concern.

Since very early on in our marriage, I’ve never had to worry about money – Ex, for all his emotional shortcomings, was always a great provider financially.

For the first time – ever – I am fraught, worrying about how I will provide for the children, pay the mortgage and the bills.

But it is necessary. I need a clean break. I have to be free. Properly.

Ex is so controlling. Constantly changes his mind, withholds payments, uses money as a stick to beat me with. I can’t live like that anymore.

Ex, in fairness to him, has made some huge concessions. Agreed to some aspects which he’s previously resolutely rejected.

There’s just a few sticking points. Fingers crossed, he will agree.

I’m still waiting to hear confirmation. On tenter hooks, constantly checking my email and messages or waiting for a call.

If he does accept, we will avoid having to continue with the court process.

If he accepts, it could be all over in a matter of weeks.

Over.

Divorced.

Free.

No longer his wife.

God, the thing I have been craving for nearly two years could actually happen.

I am so confused. The prospect is generating so many conflicting emotions.

I desperately want this to be over. But the prospect is stirring up all sorts.

I have to let go.

Like really let go.

I have to stop.

Stop being the wife.

Stop being the dumpee.

Start being me.

9 thoughts on “Crunch?

    • Thank you my friend. I have everything crossed. The waiting is hard. But it’s all been hard so I shouldn’t expect anything other I suppose.
      Hope you’re doing good xx

      • I am doing well, thank you ☺ Don’t worry, the waiting will be over soon, and this will one day be in your past and you will be allowed to move forward freely. Stay strong.

        • Glad to hear you’re in a good place.

          Thanks for the supportive words… much needed… suffering a major lull… strength alluding me… but keep trying and know that’s what counts.

          One day. Soon. And that day will be aces! 😊

  1. None of my business but I don’t think you should give up spousal support. Spousal support is something we’ve earned. You certainly earned the right not to worry about paying your mortgage. & eventually, he’ll have someone new, and if you have forgone money you’ve earned – how will you not be really, really angry? It sucks; my divorce took 3.5 years, but I’m glad that in those moments I wanted to give up I didn’t. You don’t have to sacrifice financial security to move on. You will move on when you’re ready, and nothing will speed that up except slogging through it.

    • I hear what you’re saying and have fought so long, I am reluctant to concede. But for my sanity and the desperate need for this to be over concessions have to be made. If he doesn’t accept then I will let the courts decide, and hopefully justice will be done.
      Glad you got a good outcome. How you managed to keep going for 3 and a half years is a wonder. Kudos to you xx

  2. I’m crossing everything for you. I hope you get what you DESERVE (and you probably don’t appreciate or acknowledge your value!). I completely hear you about ‘just wanting shot of it all’ … but don’t sell yourself short. You DESERVE financial security from that prick. It’s your kids who will benefit from it … or be hurt by it, if he withholds/bargains in order to hurt you and/or keep more for his future with his skank. This is just another way our exes are definitely brothers-from-another-mother: a real man in this situation ensures the kids are ok (and this generally means that mum is ok). A nasty, evil prick screws her out of all she DESERVES and denies what she has done to get him to where he is. Stay strong! You’re better than what he’s making you xxxx

    • Thank you darling. His tactics of wearing me down have well and truly worked. Still not right.
      You are so right. He is showing his true colours. How you can think it’s ok for me to fully provide for our children (he’s still not having contact) on one seventh of the income we had as a couple is beyond me. But if we have a roof over our heads I’m sure I can put food in our bellies and clothes on our back. They have love in abundance from me and that’s worth more than anything money can buy xxx

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