I haven’t looked at this page since I wrote it on the first day I started this blog.
It gets a fair few views. It seems, like me with other bloggers and their sites, my visitors too are keen to find out a bit more about me and why I am choosing to share such personal musings and ramblings on a public platform.
All the things I say below, in the original ‘About’, remain true (well, apart from the ‘not dwelling on the past’ bit, as that is proving impossible to maintain, as everything is so intertwined). But it doesn’t give any real details about me. When I first started blogging, I was so concerned about keeping this site anonymous I purposely kept it vague.
Now, I feel a lot braver – if nothing else, this journey makes you brave!!! – and feel I can share a bit more without giving away my identity (I have disclosed most, if not all of the following, in my posts anyway, but putting it here saves you the trouble of trawling).
I am a 41 year old female, with a kind heart and sunny disposition. I rarely get phased by things and I am blessed with an eternally optimistic spirit – hence choosing to call myself Serenely Sanguine – calm, peaceful, optimistic, positive, hopeful and confident (especially in the face of a bad or difficult situation) – see The Virtuous Circle and Contented. NB this definition of sanguine is the one I mean, not the others: I am not bloody or deep-red in colour).
I am a Catholic. I have a BA, MA and PhD in religion and used to be a university lecturer, before moving abroad to accompany my ex on a work assignment. Since returning, I have struggled to get back into academia, so I am now embarking on a career change – see ‘Just when it falls apart… Help, Light, Success and I only….
I started this blog to help me heal – see To blog or not to blog…. And blogging is proving to be incredibly cathartic. Journal writing helped, but I would re-read the entries over and over again. Posting here is different. Once I click the post button, it feels like I have got it out of my system, shed it, and can move on. The comments I receive are so supportive, reassuring and uplifting. Being part of the WordPress community of the brokenhearted, as I like to call it, has been instrumental in me repairing and keeping sane – see Happy anniversary…, Progress, and Milestones.
I was with my ex for over 22 years, married for a little over 21. I have three children (21, 15, and 6). This is my first experience of being the dumpee – see Dumper vs Dumpee. And the dumping completely blind-sided me. I did not see it coming, at all!
The bombshell was dropped on what many would consider the worst day imaginable. No real explanation. No discussion. No trying to work it out. Nothing. Just, ‘I don’t love you that way anymore’ – the worst thing I could hear – and ‘I have made my decision and my decision is final’ – see The End and Love is…. Over the months, this position has remained the same, although other details have been forthcoming – see Ouch* Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, it has proved difficult to keep relations cordial. I keep contact to the bare minimum, usually via email or text, but always strive to maintain civility – see Going cold turkey…, ‘Broken Record’, I hate Sunday, and Name.
I am entering a new phase, and I am anticipating the next few months to be challenging. Since the bomb was dropped I have been flying almost exclusively solely, however, this will soon change, as my ex returns to live in this country – see Seeing. After stalling and delays, the formal divorce process has now started. Commencing this has already been unsettling – see Rage, Insomnia, Anxious, Limbo, Still Waiting, Still still waiting, Waiting over.
But I know, no matter how difficult this gets, how awful, consuming, overwhelming, desolate it feels, that ultimately it is all transitory. I have my eyes fixed on the light at the end of shitty dark tunnel. I have faith I will get there, one day. I just have to keep trying. Trying to remain true to myself. To not let this difficult journey change my core being. To remain serenely sanguine.
This blog is about my journey through the divorce process. My post ‘To blog or not to blog..’ gives a full account of my intentions. Here, it is suffice to say I approach this journey with optimism: I intend to remain true to myself, to continue to be serenely sanguine.
In recording and sharing my experiences and thoughts I hope to help myself maintain this aim, whilst also giving hope to others who are going through the same process and providing them with a platform to discuss their feelings.
I am a fan of literature, music, theology, and philosophy, so I suspect my posts will be littered with references and quotes.
I welcome any feedback and comments.
Thank you for reading!
Given the purpose of this site, I will not be dwelling on the past. If you would like to know how I came to begin this journey, please read ‘The End’.